Screw fate

My previous motto in life has been "You should feel that you'r alive" but that's kind of defeatist, don't know if that's a word, if it isn't it should be. It is a good motto when the world seem to have decided to make your life a bit more hellish than for the rest, a roll-with-the-punches-motto. However these last months I've been feeling really good and I think it might be time to change it to something better, more positive. A while ago I spoke to Anders on a bus and he said something that has stuck with me ever since, "Don't live with broken windows". It's more of a fixer motto that seems more suitable to the "new" me so I'm now officially changing :)

That doesn't have that much to do with fate, a little but not the main reason i chose that title for this post. I've had a falling out with a previously very good friend of mine, sad but I felt like "if he/she doesn't want to spend time with me, it's his/hers loss" and spent my time with other people. It kept hanging around at the back of my head even though I tried getting rid of it so in the new "dutt the fixer"-style I decided to do something about it instead of just feeling sad about loosing a friend. It was a real eye opener to see it from the other persons side, after we had talked about it for a quite a while it turned out to be quite different reasons than I imaged was the cause of the split. When the talk was coming to and end it felt good and I hope we can pick it up again, he/she is a cool person I really enjoyed hanging out with before we had our falling out. I felt that justified the chosen title :)

That's leading me to another point, my stuttering has shaped me (...of course it has, we are formed by our experiences) but It's only this last year or so I've begun to realise another part of how it makes me different from other people. When you have been scared half to death to speak at all for most of your life it simply can't get that much worse so I don't feel particularly worried about talking about tough things like breaking up with somebody or confronting a person about what they actually feel and think about a subject that is very personal to both me and them. This doesn't apply to other persons, I'm still trying to build a kind of mental model how other people view talking about these subjects because it's alot different from my own, I can't guess their reaction based on what I think would be my own which makes it harder. Another thing I've come to realise is that I don't know squat about myself and how I really react when it comes down to it. I've stopped guessing how I'm going to react in hard situations because so far most of my guesses about my own behaviour have been wrong anyway.